Journal – Page 11 – Chasing Dreams

Take it from me, I turned 27

June 4, 2010June 13, 2010 Rhiza14 Comments

I’ve been meaning to post an obligatory birthday blog. It has been a tradition I didn’t realize I was doing, documenting my birthday year after year after year since 2003 (and no, I’m not going to link back to my tabulas and blogspot days anymore because the older birthday posts are just too embarrassing).

I did write a birthday blog two weeks ago, but I posted it on a more discrete place, and well, maybe I’ll link back to it next year when I’m ready. Right now I just want an excuse to post these photos, hee.

I guess what set this year apart from the other birthdays was, this time, I wanted to lie low on the celebrations. And yes, contrary to the photos you’re seeing, I really did plan on just having a quiet day at home where I can work and contemplate on the past 27 years of my life (srsly), my only wish being that baby Isaac spent the day with me. But then my Mom, being the mother that she is (why thank you, mother!), couldn’t stop herself from preparing a surprise (and quick) birthday lunch for me, before she went out-of-town with some of our balikbayan relatives. Other highlights include dinner with Kuya Nate, Ate Imy & Isaac, the usual after-dinner coffee with Xai & Ivy, a bouquet of balloons delivered by Mark the latte boy, a pair of Nike slippers from my New Yorker cousin, a happy birthday serenade via Skype, and a humiliating photo album posted by Kuya Nikos in Facebook.

I can’t think of anything else I haven’t said already in my past birthdays, about growing one year older, leaving the past behind, being thankful for what you have, and how, when you turn a certain age, it would feel like your life is never going to be the same again. (Reading my old birthday posts, I find it funny now how I would say those very words every year!)

A word to those who are turning 27

Ahh, just.. keep it cool. When you reach this age, you will feel all sorts of pressure. See, your age is closer to 30 now, and if you’re like me who still doesn’t have a kid at this age, everyone will keep reminding you of your biological clock. Be ready to answer questions like, ‘when are you getting married?’ or ‘do you have a boyfriend?’, or ‘what are you waiting for?’, you’ll encounter lots of those on a daily basis. Prepare a standard answer, practice your smile. Keep your composure, there’s no need to feel anxious.

By this time you would have experienced how it’s like to have your heart broken, found success (or failure) in your career, enjoyed your independence, made countless of mistakes. That’s fine, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger, we often hear and say. At 27, you will always find yourself drawing strength from your past experiences and realizing that with God’s grace, you have, indeed, become a better person.

Sure, you will have to make decisions that will alter your life forever, but what I’ve come to realize is, whatever choice you make, or wherever God places you when you turn 27, you will be okay. Whether you choose to pursue your career, or settle down and start a family (or whether you’re already raising a family!), know that not one choice is better than the other. You will do fine, either way. And God.. God will remain faithful no matter what, you’ll just have to keep trusting and believing that He’s got the rest of your life in His hands.

If I’m going to be really honest with myself

May 30, 2010May 14, 2018 Rhiza9 Comments

There was this moment the other night, at a family get-together, that got stuck in my head. My mom and her sisters, Nanay Maura and Tita Aida, talked with hushed voices as they watched over Isaac sleeping on the sofa with them. A bunch of cousins were in the dining area feasting over ice cream and bibingka. One of my nieces, Daphne, sat at the foot of the couch where I sat, drawing on her sketchbook, oblivious of me watching her from her back. Tito Ben was by the piano, softly playing Somewhere in Time. Kids ran around all over the place. It almost felt like Christmas.

And there I was by the couch, breathing it all in, enveloped by the comfort of the familiar, the peace that comes with being around family, love that needs no words.

Coming home to an empty apartment, on the same night, was the perfect contrast. I dropped my bag by the couch where a bunch of my other bags started to pile up. I stopped by the kitchen sink to wash dishes that accumulated over the past, okay, 3 days. I took out the garbage, checked if the doors were locked, turned off the lights. Finally, I dressed down to get ready for bed, and carried my laptop with me as I went. I knew then that it was going to be one of those nights I would lie awake in the dark wondering, “why am I living by myself again?”

I think this is my elaborate way of saying, I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Yep, that’s it. I could’ve just tweeted that, huh, seeing that it’s under 140 characters anyway. But I somehow feel the need to explain that line to myself, hence this blog. (Sometimes, things become clearer when you think out loud.)

I feel like I’m starting to outgrow this independence already. Of course I’ll never trade the past 5 years that I lived on my own for anything. God has blessed me so much during this time — I enjoyed my independence to the fullest, found fulfillment in my career, traveled to places I never thought I’d see in this lifetime, learned to be accountable to myself.

But I think it’s time to come back home and spend time with my family now. I miss living with siblings I fight with, and my mom’s cooking, and the chaos that is our neighborhood in Caloocan. And I’m missing out on Isaac’s growing up, too! Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself by saying this, after all, I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it, I don’t even have a room there anymore, but oh well, I’ll deal with the logistics later on.

The countdown to my homecoming begins. (Got that, Mom? I’m coming home.)

On Dead Ends and Closed Doors

April 13, 2010October 14, 2020 Rhiza12 Comments

You know how we sometimes get heartbroken over closed doors and how it feels like it’s the end of the world when God answers us with a “NO”?

The ironic thing about closed doors is, while they, more often than not, leave us heartbroken, disoriented, and empty-handed, they’re actually some of the best things that can ever happen to our young, stubborn, and reckless lives. In spite of all the seemingly bad things that they come with, closed doors actually make decision-making a whole lot easier.

When I was in Sydney in 2008, my cousin and I took a drive one Sunday afternoon to this beautiful little town called Wollongong, an hour’s drive south of the city. (Wollongong is, by the way, officially one of my most, if not the most, favorite places in New South Wales!)

We made it to Wollongong, spent a beautiful day, pretty much lived the Australian dream—munching on fish and chips while basking on a glorious day, sand on my feet, the Pacific Ocean breeze on my skin.

But going back to Sydney, we missed a turn, so we ended up driving around in circles for more than 2 hours finding our way home. Amazingly enough, it was the “NO ENTRY” signs that brought us back on track.

It’s simple logic. When there’s a “NO ENTRY” sign, you have no choice but to not take that route. When God closes a door, you don’t push your way through that closed door, you wait on Him to open another one.

When God answers your questions and prayers with a resounding “NO”, you trust and acknowledge that He wants something else for you.

Such is life.

And I know it’s easier said than done, but I’ve learned through the years that God’s NOs in my life ultimately took me back where I’m supposed to be, especially during those times when I became too stubborn to admit that I lost my way, or times when I deluded myself into thinking that I was on the right track that I stopped relying and asking Him for directions.

“Closed doors are God’s way of directing us on the path He wants us to walk on,” I read somewhere. I couldn’t agree more.

A few months ago, God closed a door to my face and took me out of a place that was clearly not His will for me. And now, I can’t help but heave a sigh of relief, thanking God for being more stubborn than I am, and for loving me so much that He closed all the other doors except this one which He so lovingly left open for me.

I didn’t know it was possible to experience this much love in one week

February 20, 2010May 13, 2019 Rhiza14 Comments

7 things I love about this week:

1) Welcoming my beautiful nephew Robert Isaac to the family.

2) That he gets to inherit our Dad‘s name, Robert, and even if he didn’t get to meet him anymore, a part of his Lolo lives in him.

3) How “Tita Riz” seems to just roll off the tongue, I can imagine little Isaac soon saying my name and tugging on my skirt. “Tita Riz, I want ice cream.” “Tita Riz, let’s go to the zoo.” “Tita Riz, I wanna play plants and zombiess!” (Just you wait, kid, your Tita Riz will spoil you like crazy. And well, I’ll leave the disciplining to your Mom, Dad and Lola, haha.)

4) That he’s got all of us wrapped around his cute little finger without knowing it. He cries and everyone in the room panics, figuring out what he needs. He sleeps and we all silently stare at him like lovestruck puppies. He blinks and we all go “awww” with tiny hearts in our eyes. It’s kuh-rayy-zee what babies can do, when they’re not even doing anything at all!

5) That I got to take their first family picture, and that I was able to preserve love in a photograph. Definitely one for keeps. <3

6) That I’ve witnessed (over again) with my own eyes this beautiful thing called motherly love, something we often fail to appreciate because mothers are always there anyway. I can still picture in my head the look on Ate Imy’s face as she admires her son, and the twinkle in my Mom’s eyes everytime she speaks of her grandson. Priceless.

7) Finally, I love days when, not expecting anything, something beautiful happens (or someone comes along) and your life is never the same. Such is this week in the Sanchez home. <3

And so I pray for a life that’s full of days like these. Dear Lord, that’s all I ask today.

Spending Vday with Sunday School kids

February 17, 2010May 13, 2019 Rhiza1 Comment

There’s no better way to spend an over-sensationalized occasion than this. Last Sunday, instead of the usual Bible Story telling, I let the kids play with colored papers, pens, and crayons and make cute little greeting cards for them to give to their parents. I think I enjoyed it more than they did. Sunday School is love.

Someone’s getting her sunshine back. :) (God is amazing, what can I say?)

* * *

Later, I spent the night with a bunch of (not so) “lonely” friends. But that’s a totally different story altogether. How about you? How did you spend your Valentines? :)

Got my Hillsong Conference Pass Right Here But..

June 25, 2009June 29, 2009 Rhiza4 Comments

I think I’m going to cry.

Today, my Hillsong Conference 2009 pass and registration receipt finally arrived at my doorstep. But unlike last year, I’m not jumping up and down now. Instead, I think I’m going to start tearing up when the lights are out.

The conference is in less than two weeks. I have all the support documents that I need, but because of the recent events the caught me by surprise, my schedule got totally screwed and working on my visa application had to be delayed. Admittedly, there’s no one to be blamed but myself and my horrid habit of putting things off up to the last minute. I should’ve prepared my documents a month ago.

It’s just like last year. I submitted my visa application one week before the conference started, confident that I would get my passport and visa back in 3 days (like they promised in their immigration website) but, for some reason, I got them back one week later, exactly on the day the conference ended. (Blpht, so much for not making the same mistake twice, ikr.)

But you know how God has a reason for everything, and how He always knows better. While I failed to attend the July conference last year, I was still able to see Hillsong last November.

Now, holding this familiar-looking Hillsong envelop in my hands, I just can’t help but think of the big possibility that this conference pass will (once again) be put to waste. In my head I start re-counting all those plane tickets, concert tickets, and now, Hillsong conference passes that I spent for but never got to use. I could’ve bought a new camera with all that money!

But okay, the unnecessary expenses was not the reason why I was sad to see the package delivered to me this afternoon. It’s just that, I find myself wishing I never laid eyes on it at all, you know, for the sake of not rubbing it where it hurts. I actually almost forgot about it already, and I didn’t want to be reminded!

I have wanted so badly to experience the Hillsong Conference since 2003. I’m not about to linkback to all the blog entries I made all these years (from across 5 blog urls and 4 blogging platforms), but let me just say, I blogged and journaled everything about my quest to fly to Australia and experience Hills with a passion. Frustratingly, year after year, the timing was still not right.

So yeah, let me wallow in depression just for, er, I duno, 11 more minutes I guess. I promise to be back to my sunshiney self as soon as I hit publish.