It’s been one month since we took Dawn and Rain home, 5 weeks since I delivered them via emergency c-section, 40 months since they were conceived. This week would have been the week they’re due had they been normal, full-term babies. But maybe that’s just it.. these babies are not normal. Born 5 weeks short of full-term, these babies are so special God had to give them a surprise grand entrance. :)
Needless to say, it’s one of the best, if not the best, months of my life. But it wasn’t an easy month too. It was a time of transitions, big and small changes, recovery, learning, growing.
I had to recuperate from my first ever major surgery, discharging a lot of postpartum blood and taking in hypertension meds and pain killers in the process. Our body clock is a wreck, 3 straight hours of sleep is a luxury. Newborns have to be fed within 2-3 hour cycles—imagine having to feed 2 babies one after the other! I have to pump 6 oz of milk every 3 hours if I want to exclusively breastfeed them. We still don’t have a yaya too and we don’t exactly live close to my Mom’s house. That means we have to do the babies’ laundry, wash dishes, sterilize bottles, keep the house clean, cook meals, all of these on top of changing diapers, pumping milk, and taking care of two delicate, premature babies.
I cried a lot. Out of exhaustion, out of frustration, out of joy.
I remember the first time I lost composure and bawled over my new role as a mother. I was alone at home feeding Dawn when Rain started crying. It was the first time the twins did a bawling duet on me, and the first time my husband was not around to nurse the babies with me. I pretended to be the strong and composed adult for the first few minutes. I held on to Dawn with one hand and freed my other hand so I could calm Rain. But shifting positions made Dawn lose her latch and start crying too, so I ended up with two hungry babies who wouldn’t stop crying and two hands which were both full! It was a havoc! I panicked like crazy! Soon, their duet became a trio, with their mother crying with them.
I was only capable of nursing one baby so I decided to focus on Dawn while Rain cried like she couldn’t breathe. Crying and struggling for composure in the process, I finished feeding Dawn and attended to Rain after. I held on to poor baby Rain with tears in my eyes, frustrated at myself for being such a failure. “Sorry baby, sorry, sorry, sorry,” I whispered to Rain as I hugged her and soothed her cries. I was tired, overwhelmed, and upset with myself for putting my babies in so much trauma. For a moment there I wondered what God was thinking entrusting these babies to my care.
Suddenly, the door opened and my husband came in, catching me in my moment of vulnerability. Relief washed through me. It was as if God was reminding me that He hears our cries, that I’m not alone in this journey.
I’ve never stopped learning since that day. Dawn and Rain would still do bawling duets, especially now that they’re starting to hear and imitate each other. But I know how to handle them now. And yes, I did learn some mommy tricks here and there.
You’ve probably seen a lot of happy photographs on our Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook accounts, but in between those happy, colorful moments are vulnerable moments that make us—all four of us—grow.
It wasn’t a particularly easy month for us and our babies (we’re all new at this!) but it’s sweet November nonetheless. After all, it’s the month where four lives became a family, our house became a home, and I, a Mom.
This Pregnancy Series, over and out. :)
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