Category: State of Mind

Thoughts About Packing and Pocket-Sized Mothers

Rhiza3 Comments

It’s hard to keep up with my life sometimes. I relocated from one apartment to another in the past 5 years faster than I could empty out boxes from my previous move, I would repack my bags even before I’ve fully adjusted to a new place, and I would say goodbye to neighbors, landlords, and caretakers before I’ve even memorized their names.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the thrill that comes with starting over, checking out real estates, holding a plane ticket in my hand, and being in places outside the comforts of my zone. It’s just that.. I’ve never really been anywhere that far. No matter how much I loved all my solo adventures, I’ve always found comfort in the fact that my mother is just in the next city, or that my travels don’t usually extend longer than just a couple of days.

And can I just say, I hate hate hate packing more than anything in the world?? Also, having to say goodbye to people I love. I wish there’s a way I could skip those parts. I wish I could just magically transport everything in my life and take them with me wherever I go. I wish mothers were like pocket-sized mirrors so I could take mine from out of my pocket whenever I start feeling lost, alone, and in need of directions. I wish there’s a way I could put all my loved ones in one place so I won’t have to pack, say goodbye, adjust and readjust all the time. I wish, I wish, I wish.

In a couple of days, I would start stuffing my suitcases again (when I just settled back home, ahh, the story of my life!). And while this is just a trip and not really a permanent change of address (at least not yet), my mind reels with all the preparations and adjustments and homesickness and emotional attachments that are going to strike me from all directions.

It’s tiring, all this moving around, and I’ve contemplated whether or not this is the kind of life that I wanted one too many times.

On the upside, I’ve somehow acquired skills that let me cope more easily whenever time calls forth big and small changes in my life. I’ve learned to acknowledge that all these years of temporarily changing addresses, and being in situations where I have to figure things out on my own, are God’s way of making me strong and preparing me for more permanent things.

You have no idea how much that excites me and scares me at the same time.

I want to fall in love

Rhiza8 Comments

Two, three years ago, I made a firm declaration in front of some friends that I was never going to leave the Philippines in this lifetime. That’s not to say that I don’t want to travel and explore the world, I do, I’d love to travel as much as my resources would allow me, but leaving Pinas for good to settle somewhere else was, to me, non-negotiable.

And then New York happened in this life of mine. Shortly after, Sydney.

Sydney
Me with my cousin Dots and my godson, Jonah, on a hill overlooking the Sydney Harbor. November, 2008.

I came across this post Ala Paredes wrote on her tumblr:

In the mornings, when I join the mad rush of people commuting to work, and I’ve been on the train for an hour on my long journey from Western Sydney to the North, I feel uplifted when my train makes its slow crawl across the Harbour Bridge as if it were holding it’s breath.

I see the metropolitan sprawl beneath me, see the Opera House, the ships coming in, and wide expanse of sparkling blue ocean kissing the horizon and think,” Wow, I live and work in this city. You’ve come a long way from day one, baby”.

..and I can’t help but siiiigh and wish I could write the same expression of love.

I fell in love with Sydney when I was there in 2008. I can imagine how it’s like, the morning that Ala so eloquently described, walking around Circular Quay and seeing the Opera House and Darling Harbour as part of a normal day and not just some tourist-thing to do.

I just.. *sigh*, I want to live in a city I’m in love with and constantly falling in love with. And no, please don’t look at me like I’m betraying my own country. I don’t like feeling this way too.

I wish I’m not struggling to choose between loyalty to this city God placed me in and the curiosity that maybe He planted this aching desire in my heart and I’ve got to at least do something to pursue it. It’s a constant struggle that’s tearing me apart every single day.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way. /rant

On Dead Ends and Closed Doors

Rhiza12 Comments

You know how we sometimes get heartbroken over closed doors and how it feels like it’s the end of the world when God answers us with a “NO”?

The ironic thing about closed doors is, while they, more often than not, leave us heartbroken, disoriented, and empty-handed, they’re actually some of the best things that can ever happen to our young, stubborn, and reckless lives. In spite of all the seemingly bad things that they come with, closed doors actually make decision-making a whole lot easier.

When I was in Sydney in 2008, my cousin and I took a drive one Sunday afternoon to this beautiful little town called Wollongong, an hour’s drive south of the city. (Wollongong is, by the way, officially one of my most, if not the most, favorite places in New South Wales!)

We made it to Wollongong, spent a beautiful day, pretty much lived the Australian dream—munching on fish and chips while basking on a glorious day, sand on my feet, the Pacific Ocean breeze on my skin.

But going back to Sydney, we missed a turn, so we ended up driving around in circles for more than 2 hours finding our way home. Amazingly enough, it was the “NO ENTRY” signs that brought us back on track.

It’s simple logic. When there’s a “NO ENTRY” sign, you have no choice but to not take that route. When God closes a door, you don’t push your way through that closed door, you wait on Him to open another one.

When God answers your questions and prayers with a resounding “NO”, you trust and acknowledge that He wants something else for you.

Such is life.

And I know it’s easier said than done, but I’ve learned through the years that God’s NOs in my life ultimately took me back where I’m supposed to be, especially during those times when I became too stubborn to admit that I lost my way, or times when I deluded myself into thinking that I was on the right track that I stopped relying and asking Him for directions.

“Closed doors are God’s way of directing us on the path He wants us to walk on,” I read somewhere. I couldn’t agree more.

A few months ago, God closed a door to my face and took me out of a place that was clearly not His will for me. And now, I can’t help but heave a sigh of relief, thanking God for being more stubborn than I am, and for loving me so much that He closed all the other doors except this one which He so lovingly left open for me.

No More Wasted Plane Tickets This Year

Rhiza4 Comments

2009 for me was a year of failed attempts in the travel department. 2008 had a couple of missed flights too, but at least it was the year when New York and Sydney happened, and surely, when two of your dream destinations happened in a period of 2 months, it simply trumps the stack of unused plane tickets you accumulated the whole year, right?

But when you booked tickets almost every time Cebu Pacific launched an International Seat Sale and the whole year passed and you didn’t get to use every single one of them because of reasons beyond your control, then that’s a different sob story altogether.

Fly

Sadly, this photograph was the closest I’ve ever been out-of-the-country last year. I was off to Bangkok with Joni and Romela but as we checked our bags in, I came face-to-face with one of the most devastating news in all my history of travel: Sorry Miss, we can’t let you fly out.

My passport was expiring in 5 months and 3 weeks that time, and okaaay, I kinda knew that it was expiring, but I wasn’t aware that the 6-month rule applies to Asian countries too.

Well, now I know.

Prior to that failed Bangkok flight, I missed a Hong Kong trip with Mae and Joni (why hello Joni, it’s you again) because *cough* I happened to have acquired a disease that was too sensationalized I was sent off to solitary confinement for 2 weeks, I mean, come on, universe, are you serious?, there are 365 days in a year and you chose this weekend of all weekends for me to come down with The Flu, how freaky coincidental is that? *cough*

There were more missed flights, but those two I mentioned were the best ones. (Or worst ones, whatever.)

Cruel. Cruel was the year 2009. It’s one of those years you don’t ever want to replay over because you don’t want to be reminded of all those wasted plane tickets.

Hence I made it my personal goal to make things right this year. Chase dreams. Fly. See places. Be a ridiculously happy traveler. Fall in love in a foreign place. Fall in love with a foreign place. Get lost in a foreign place.

Oh, and NOT waste a single plane ticket again, EVER.

And hey, I know there will always be circumstances I won’t have control over, but I also know that I’m one year older and wiser now.

You see, it’s impossible to come out of a year like 2009 and not be a better person — hats off to God for making awesome things out of, well, years like 2009. And given that I’m, I believe, *ehem* a better version of myself now, I’m pretty confident that I have better judgment and wisdom to know which tickets to invest in and which are not worth wasting time and money over. (Send in your truckloads of grace, Lord. Bring it on!)

Brighter days ahead, I can see it now. This year is going to be great.

And yes, I’m really just talking about plane tickets, okay, gimme a break.

Fine. I think I may be talking about more than just plane tickets here.

Read. Between. The. Lines.

Got my Hillsong Conference Pass Right Here But..

Rhiza4 Comments

I think I’m going to cry.

Today, my Hillsong Conference 2009 pass and registration receipt finally arrived at my doorstep. But unlike last year, I’m not jumping up and down now. Instead, I think I’m going to start tearing up when the lights are out.

Hillsong Conference 2009

The conference is in less than two weeks. I have all the support documents that I need, but because of the recent events the caught me by surprise, my schedule got totally screwed and working on my visa application had to be delayed. Admittedly, there’s no one to be blamed but myself and my horrid habit of putting things off up to the last minute. I should’ve prepared my documents a month ago.

It’s just like last year. I submitted my visa application one week before the conference started, confident that I would get my passport and visa back in 3 days (like they promised in their immigration website) but, for some reason, I got them back one week later, exactly on the day the conference ended. (Blpht, so much for not making the same mistake twice, ikr.)

But you know how God has a reason for everything, and how He always knows better. While I failed to attend the July conference last year, I was still able to see Hillsong last November.

Now, holding this familiar-looking Hillsong envelop in my hands, I just can’t help but think of the big possibility that this conference pass will (once again) be put to waste. In my head I start re-counting all those plane tickets, concert tickets, and now, Hillsong conference passes that I spent for but never got to use. I could’ve bought a new camera with all that money!

But okay, the unnecessary expenses was not the reason why I was sad to see the package delivered to me this afternoon. It’s just that, I find myself wishing I never laid eyes on it at all, you know, for the sake of not rubbing it where it hurts. I actually almost forgot about it already, and I didn’t want to be reminded!

I have wanted so badly to experience the Hillsong Conference since 2003. I’m not about to linkback to all the blog entries I made all these years (from across 5 blog urls and 4 blogging platforms), but let me just say, I blogged and journaled everything about my quest to fly to Australia and experience Hills with a passion. Frustratingly, year after year, the timing was still not right.

So yeah, let me wallow in depression just for, er, I duno, 11 more minutes I guess. I promise to be back to my sunshiney self as soon as I hit publish.

It’s Time to Chase Dreams

Rhiza10 Comments

I was so restless last night, I had to do something I’ve been putting off for so long. The day I’d let go of an old domain name for the sake of starting over. (In case you’re totally lost, changing domain names is serious business, y’all.)

So there were three major things happening at the time of this impulsiveness:

  1. I missed a trip to Hong Kong with J & M because I was sick, leaving me at home pondering upon the tragedy that is my life, while my healthy friends carried on the dream that we happened to have saved up and planned for so long (fine, Joni did most of the planning, but still);
  2. I was tested positive for a disease that has made the whole world tremble with fear at the sound of its name (say it with me, H1N1); which resulted to a self-imprisonment, or what they aptly call as “self-quarantine”. It kept me as far away from human beings as possible where no one could get infected—again leaving me with a lot of time to think about everything that I’ve always wanted that is not happening and everything that’s happening that I’ve never hoped for to happen;
  3. I quit project 365, exactly two months after I started it. (I did what?) I know, I know, it’s just some silly Flickr project and who cares anyway. The only reason I’m listing this one as an important event is the fact that it says a lot about my inability to stay focused and carry on a goal to completion. I feel like a failure.

So just imagine the contemplation that brought me to register this new domain, install a fresh WordPress package, modify a template to my liking, and type a handful about why I’m doing it.

And don’t even make me start explaining why I chose this domain name. (But okay, I’ll explain anyway.)

To be honest, I was choosing from a list of annoying, overly cheesy, teenybopper-sounding domain names, along the lines of pastelsky and chasingrainbows. Ones that remind you of those days when the internet was young, and innocent, and carefree. Days when bloggers have blurtys and livejournals and guestbooks and pretty pastel-colored layouts along with their cheesy-sounding domain names.

My first ever self-hosted blog’s URL happened to be riz.daydreemz.com, did I ever mention that? It was the year 2001 and you guys, that site was a magical place, at least to my 16-year-old self.

It was a place where I didn’t care what people thought, and expressing myself was the most important thing.

I’m obviously relieving those years, so please, allow me.

Chasing Dreams, it is

Three months ago when I told my then-boss that I was going to resign, he asked me why and I told him, “It’s time to chase my dreams“. To which he replied, “Okay, I’m not about to get in the way of chasing dreams, but give me a month.”

So yeah, maybe I blame my former boss for this domain name too. (Thanks, boss!)

Hello, world. It’s me, Riz. And this is my new blog.